Parent & Teacher Support Services

Observations: The Game of Life

2011-10-28T10:16:00.001-07:00

My daughter received the game of Life for her 7th birthday a couple weeks ago. This was a favorite of mine as a child, so I was excited to not only have her play it, but for me to play it with her.

What I guess I didn't remember was that the person who wins is the one who has the most money. Perhaps as a child I just didn't get into that part, but my adult mind was surprised by this. I am guessing it would be far too difficult to create a game that really looked at all aspects of life at the end of the game to account for happiness, fulfillment, etc.

At any rate, I have enjoyed playing this the past week with my children and have gained some insight into how they view things. At first when we played and it was time to choose your career we decided you could pick between two cards rather than just simply pulling one out of a pile. My 8 year old son picked TEACHER and DOCTOR. If you haven't played the game in a while the career cards say what the pay is and what you might have to pay in taxes (if you land on the tax spot). At any rate, my son looked at the two cards and was astounded by the difference in salaries for a teacher and a doctor. He contemplated for quite a while about this and even said, "I really think a teacher would be the better job between the two, but look at how much money I could make if I become a doctor?!" Oh, these difficult decisions have begun already!

To be honest, I was pretty glad to hear that he felt like a teacher was a better job than a doctor. Not that I think that isn't a good job, but rather I take it that he sees me enjoying my job as a teacher and that he sees his teachers enjoying their jobs.

Despite these thoughts of feeling like a teacher would be a better job he still chose to be a doctor. He was happy to make some good money and I believe he did win the game in the end. It will be interesting to see what he would choose next time.

The next time I played was just against my daughter. At this point we had actually read the directions and saw that we really weren't supposed to have a choice between careers beyond choosing from the post college careers or the without college careers. My daughter drew the TEACHER card. She was excited about this. I drew the ACCOUNTANT card. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but I was not thrilled with this choice at all. I am not a numbers gal and would rather do almost anything than deal with finances.

Throughout the game my daughter kept acquiring more and more children through births and adoption. I, on the other hand, had none. I was visibly kind of sad about this. I think it's important for me to acknowledge that yes, I do get a little too into these games I play with my kids. My daughter was losing money left and right since she had a carload of children. I on the other hand kept gaining more and more money. Apparently accountants can do pretty well financially!

At the end of the game I was a multimillionaire and my daughter had a little money left, but according to the game rules, I won. My daughter looked at me and noticed I was not ecstatic. To be honest, I typically am when I win a game, but not this time. She looked at my empty car and looked at her very full car and said, "I'm sorry to say this mom, but I think I had the better life." I was already thinking this, but for her to say it made me feel like we're somewhat on the right track with her.

It was pretty neat for her to look at what she had gained "over the years" in her game of Life and really, what I had gained was simply only money. My daughter was especially thrilled that she had had a chance to adopt a pet from the Humane Society during her "lifetime". In her 7 year old mind this tops of the list of things to do in life. I hope this doesn't change in her...at least not too much and not anytime soon.

I am excited to keep playing this game with my kids to hear their insight about "life" and see how their decisions alter throughout the years as they play the board game. The reality is that all of us would feel differently about what we would consider to be a "good life". No life is perfect, of course and money can certainly make things easier in life, but it isn't a replacement for everything else we could gain along the way.

How do I Know if I Need Help with my Kids?

2011-09-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

I think as parents it's sometimes hard to know when it's time to seek out help with our kids. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones dealing with some of the issues we deal with and other times we feel like everyone must be dealing with these same things.

The reason I began offering Personalized Parenting Sessions is because I had been in that situation numerous times with my own child. I found myself wondering if his behaviors were normal or if perhaps there might be more going on. I didn't think we needed a therapist at the time, but I felt like we needed something. Honestly, at the time I wasn't sure what that should be, but I felt like there had to be something out there that could help us.

It wasn't until a couple years later when I was looking back on those times that it became clearer what we needed. I needed support in knowing that we weren't alone and that other people do experience these intense behaviors/ emotions with their children too and I needed information on how to help my son manage these intense emotions that he was having.

You might be thinking, "Doesn't she have a background in Child Psychology? Why did she need help?" Good question and one I asked myself often during that time. Unfortunately I think it made me feel like a failure for my son. I thought I was supposed to know this stuff. I had taught plenty of children with similar temperaments before and that always went well, or at least I always met the challenge. However, our own children show us sides of them that they show no others! At any rate, I honestly think I was too close to the situation to step back to assess what needed to be done. I would have greatly benefited from having a Parenting Adviser with a background in Child Psychology and teaching to come in to examine the problem together. Essentially, I needed me, but I wasn't me yet!

The following are a list of situations that might constitute seeking out a Personalized Parenting Session with me:

Are you struggling to understand your child emotionally or socially?

Are you having problems with this child at home, but they are not having problems at school?

Are you having problems with this child at home AND they are having problems at school?

Do you feel like your family life is chaotic and you're trying to find ways for it to feel less so?

Has your child been diagnosed with a behavioral disorder and needs extra support beyond the school district services to navigate how life could go smoother at home with the child?

Is your child likely NOT a candidate for a diagnosis, but you still feel you need support with some of the behaviors you deal with everyday at home with the child?

Are you struggling to set limits for your child?

Do you feel frustrated with your child more often than not?

There is another list of reasons why parents may contact me on my website.

Often times if a parent is questioning if there might be a possibility of a diagnosable behavioral disorder or attention disorder, eliminating some variables first will be very helpful in the diagnostic process. I can help with this process.

If the above information rings true to how you have been feeling or is what you have been looking for, please contact me and we can schedule a session. If you love beyond a 60 mile radius of Lake Elmo, MN we can schedule a phone session rather than me coming out to your home.

It took years for me to figure out what we needed to do to help my son feel success and to help our family run as smoothly as I knew it was capable of. You don't need to take years. I have enjoyed helping families assess their situations and help them find ways for their child to feel more successful. When a child is constantly frustrated (and we are in turn constantly frustrated with them) they are not feeling successful at all.

My son is now thriving. He still has the intensity that caused us so much stress when he was little, but he has now learned ways to use this intensity in positive ways.

My goal is that all parents can know that their children are thriving and that all parents feel a sense of enjoyment in this parenting journey. You will definitely feel closer to this after a Personalized Parenting Session!

Time Outs

2011-07-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to follow up about a question on the "Mom Panel" today on Twin Cities Live. The question was about time outs.

Our hope when we put a child in a time out is that she will then learn that she should not have been doing the behavior right before the time out. We are led to believe that the child will actually be thinking about their actions during this time out. However, the reality is the child spends the time being angry with the situation (or trying to get out of the time out) and does not actually think about it. Unfortunately this takes away the opportunity for learning. It's not really teaching long term learning as to why the child should discontinue the behavior that she was doing to begin with.

Take time to think about what you want the child to learn in these moments and work back from there. It might be as simple as taking some time to help the child calm down, with a hug or a hold. It might mean the child needs to move on to another activity or environment, "I can tell it's hard for you to play with Jimmy right now. That tells me it's time for us to go home now."

There are many other ways I can help families find alternatives to time outs to help your child learn from their actions that need to be altered and to help you keep the connection between you and your child at the same time. I recently posted my fall schedule of classes. The Reflective Child Guidance class discusses many of these alternatives.

Too Sexy Too Soon

2011-04-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I had to share this article from CNN.com on girls and how they are being allowed to dress in today's culture.

Family Ties

2011-04-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

We recently decided as a family that we wanted to run a 5K together. The kids see my husband and I competing in races throughout the spring and summer and it's only natural that they would want to be a part of something like this as well.

The children are nearing 6.5 and 8 and we knew this would not be an easy task for either of them. It was obvious we would need to set aside time to train for the children to truly be ready for an endeavor like this.

We first had to find a race that appealed to us. It felt like it would be more meaningful if we did a race that would be going towards a good cause. When we received the information about the new U of MN Goldy's Run and learned that the proceeds would be going towards the new Amplatz Children's Hospital, our decision was easily made.

With the extended snow we have had this winter we weren't really able to train as early as we would have liked; however, we were determined to still make this race a success for our family. We made a training schedule about 3 weeks before the race that included stretching, running, and walking.

The first time out after stretching was not as successful as we would have liked. We were a little over ambitious thinking that we could do a mile right away. Instead we ran about 1/2 mile and then walked a bit, ran some more, walked a bit, etc. The following time out we were determined to run the whole time for the mile. We were pretty much successful with this.

We did most of our training on the weekends, but there were also a couple mornings during the week that we decided to wake a little earlier to get a run in before work and school. This proved to be a great way for all of us to start our day, but unfortunately this schedule does not always work for us.

As we ran more we determined that it will be very tough for the kids to run the full 5K, so we decided to have a family meeting to discuss how we wanted to tackle this race. We decided, as a family, that we would run the first mile, walk the next mile, and then run the rest. We practiced this and we all felt great about this.

The actual day of the race we had the perfect conditions for running: not too cold and not too hot and only a slight breeze. The kids were very excited to be a part of the excitement leading up to the race and even got their picture taken with Goldy Gopher prior to the run.

It's hard for me to put into words how it felt to be running as a family. My husband and I are very active individuals and have quickly seen how our children are very much similar to us in this way. Is this nurture or nature? It's really hard to say for sure. At any rate, we knew we would someday run a race as a family, but I don't think we ever anticipated it going as well as it did. It was amazing to see that adrenaline can kick in for two people who are really still quite young.

As we were approaching the end of the first mile my 8 year old son said, "I'm not ready to stop. I'm going to keep running." My husband kept going with him. My 6.5 year old daughter said she needed to walk for a little while, but very quickly said, "Mom, it actually feels better to run." So, we started up again! At this point my husband and son were ahead of us enough that we were now running in pairs rather than all together, but this seemed to work out just fine.

As my daughter and I ran we chatted about so many wonderful things...the type of conversations you would have with a good friend as you run together. I suddenly forgot I was actually running with a child. It's wonderful to have those moments as a mom where you can see that our children eventually become our friends too. Here I was, running with my 6.5 year old daughter and she is feeling good, happy, and so proud of herself. What more could a mom ask for?!?!

Both the children ran most of the way. My son maybe walked about a total of a 1/4 of a mile and my daughter maybe about a 1/2 mile total. My daughter and I finished the race only 2 minutes after my son and husband and there they were cheering us on as we ended in the stadium. I think my son has a new found respect for his sister that she was able to do this. In fact, I think we all have a new found respect for each other. Most importantly both my husband and I feel like this activity tied our family together even tighter than it was before. We had a common goal and worked towards it as a family.

This would not have to be running a race together for a family. It could be learning to play tennis together as a family, or working on a service project together, or doing landscaping in the yard together.

Set a goal, make a plan, and work towards it together...it's that simple, yet extremely rewarding! Take time to think about what types of family activities tie your family together. I'd love to hear about them....

This family activity was recently featured on Twin Cities Live.

How Much Is Too Much?

2011-03-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

How do I know if my child's sports programs are asking too much of him?

How do I know if my child is texting too much?

How do I know if my child is getting enough play time during the week?

How do I know if I am playing with my child too much?

How do I know if I am working too much?

These are just some of the questions I get from parents who are trying to figure out what constitutes enough in their family lives.

I recently developed a tool that parents can use to help answer these questions on their own with their specific issues.

Family Reality Check
A tool to use to examine situations or activities that our children encounter (parent, school, extracurricular activities, or society induced) to help us determine if the situation is "Too Much" for the child based on the following questions.

Does this situation...

Take away childhood? (In other words, is this situation hindering the child's development socially, emotionally, physically, or cognitively?)
Require too much time, money, or attention? (Is it using a disproportionate amount of resources?)
Conflict with family goals?
Happen because I am afraid to say no? (In other words, do you allow this situation to continue because you want to avoid a conflict or power struggle with your child?)

If you answer yes to one of these you will want to keep a close eye on the situation and may need to re-evaluate soon.
If you answer yes to more than one of the above you need to re-evaluate things as soon as you are able.

Let's try this out with an example. Here is a question I received recently from a family prior to a Personalized Parenting Session:
"My husband is a wonderful dad and I feel so lucky that my 4 year old daughter has a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. We work during the day, so he wants to make the most of his time with her. Almost every night after day care he takes her to the Mall of America, a park, out to dinner, or to the Children's Museum while I am home taking care of the baby. On the weekends they do similar things and the baby and I join them when we can. When my husband and daughter are at home he is constantly playing with her. She adores him. However, I have noticed that she doesn't really know how to play on her own and seems overly attached to her dad: getting extremely upset when he has to be gone. Could it be possible that he is giving her too much attention?"

Let's go through the Family Reality Check here for this question.

Does this situation...

Take away from her childhood or is it hindering her development?
It could very well be hindering her development. First of all, this little girl is very lucky to have a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. I'm sure he feels as though he is enhancing her childhood by providing her with so many experiences. This is true to some extent. However, when a child does not have any play time on her own she isn't learning basic social/ emotional skills: learning how to be confident in who she is and to play with other children. She is likely learning that she needs to be entertained rather than creating her own play.

Require too much time, money, and attention?
Likely this is the case. I instantly wonder how much of the family's weekly income is going towards "fun" outings. More importantly it seems to be that this little girl is getting most of the dad's attention. Again, his intent is very good; however, by spending so much time with the daughter he is spending less time with his wife and their baby.

Conflict with family goals?
After talking with this family more I learned that their family goals were: 1) To raise independent and confident children, 2) to have fun together as a family, 3) to enjoy life, and 4) to be connected to their children. It is highly likely that the dad and the daughter are very connected since they are together so much. This aspect is being met. However, the first family goal is to raise independent and confident children. By giving the daughter so much attention she is not learning how to be independent which in turn impacts her confidence in negative ways. When we look at the next couple of goals they are somewhat meeting these; however, not really as a family. If the mom and the baby were involved in these outings more often it would be more in line with those two goals.

Happening because I don't want to say no?
This does not seem to be the case for this family. The dad genuinely wants to be doing these fun outings with his daughter. It doesn't sound like she is asking or begging for these experiences, but rather, he is making the decision to do this.

Being that we were able to answer yes to three out of the four questions. I would recommend the family take time to re-evaluate and make some changes. Perhaps the mom and dad could decide together what outings they would like to do together as a family (maybe 2 a week would be a good number) and then the dad and the daughter could keep one evening or block of time on the weekend set aside for them to have some one on one time together for an outing. I would also recommend they sit down with their daughter and discuss the importance of her having some time to play on her own. They could discuss what she could do during this time. Since she is not used to doing this the family will need to start with short amounts, maybe a half hour at first and build up from there. With guidance and allowing the 4 year old to be a part of this discussion she will likely handle this change very easily.

I hope this example gives you enough to go on when looking at your own family situations to help bring you back to reality if needed.

I also teach a class called More, More, More! on this topic. This class also extends into how we help our children learn how much is enough, so they can put this into play in their day to day lives. I can also be contracted to come lead this class or others like it at your school or organization. Please feel free to contact me for more details if you are interested.

I was on Twin Cities Live today, Tuesday, March 29th discussing using this tool to answer a fan's question about her child and sports.

If you are interested in questions specifically related to sports and children there is a class coming up at The Children's Farm taught by Early Childhood Teacher and Parent Educator, Nancy Jones, M.S.

Twin Cities Live Appearance

2011-03-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

Here is the link to the segment from last week, Tuesday, March 1, 2011 on Twin Cities Live.

I will be posting this to my homepage next week.

I will be on the show again next Tuesday, March 15th. KSTP, Channel 5, 3PM. I will continue to post the dates for future appearances on here.

Emotions

2011-02-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

I often receive questions regarding children's intense emotions. One of my favorite books that I recommend to families is Be The Boss of Your Stress by T. Culbert & R. Kajander. The book is geared towards children 8 years and older. However, I highly recommend reading it with your child the first time. I read it with my son when he had just turned 6 and we just read the pieces that would make sense to him at the time. Now he goes back to this book on his own every so often. If your child is younger than 6 I still highly recommend getting your hands on this book, because it provides parents with words and phrases that would be helpful when helping your child calm him/ herself.

The use of the word stress in the title is not exactly how you and I necessarily think of stress. The way they define it and the way I see it is that it's anytime the child's heart starts to beat faster, their blood pressure might go up, they may begin to yell, hit, or scream, their head might feel like it's spinning, they may get shaky, etc. For some kids they may show these signs when they simply do not get their way and for others it might be much bigger things. Either way, these are all ways the body shows us we are stressed.

I believe it is incredibly important to teach children what these signs mean and provide them with the tools so they can manage these emotions. The book covers all of this. The emphasis is on teaching the child ways to calm themselves down. It gives them the control. One of the tips they recommend is taking deep breaths. Another one is being your own coach. This is the one that has worked beautifully with my 7.5 year old son, as he is our more emotional child. For the most part now, we simply have to say "coach" to him in a calm way with a smile and he remembers what he's supposed to do to bring himself down again. It's essentially self-talk. He begins to tell himself what he would tell his friend if his friend was feeling how he is feeling in the moment. He coaches himself through it. There are many more recommendations beyond these two examples.

I also look at emotions in terms of zones. There is a green zone (when all is well), red zone (when the child has lost it or is so emotional you can't even speak with him or her about it), and the yellow zone (where they are starting to have some of these signs, but they have not lost it yet). The yellow zone provides space for learning. However, once in the red zone it's too late until after the moment. You can of course still regroup after if your child does move into the red zone; however, you want to be able to catch this before their emotions get to this point. The key is to identify what these yellow zones look like for your particular child and then begin to teach him or her how to identify these moments. It's such a gift for children to be able to understand their emotions and be able to take control of them. This doesn't mean they don't allow themselves to be really sad about something, but rather when they are sad they are able to keep it in check and remember that there is a bigger world out there than this issue at that moment.

When I work with families individually one of the things we often spend quite a bit of time on is this idea of emotion coaching and identifying and thinking about what these yellow zones look like and what the opportunity for learning is at that particular time.

Over the next few weeks think about what your child's different zones look like and how you can begin to teach them how they can begin to calm themselves when they are still in the yellow zone. Please share your observations!

2010 Wrap Up

2010-12-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

As I have been "closing out my books" for the year I've been thinking a lot about what brought me to this point: owning my own business. I guess it makes sense that this is a route I would choose to take at some point in my life. My dad started his company when I was five years old and continues to do what he loves http://www.fivesenses.com (it started in our house nearly 30 years ago and only moved to an actual office space just over 10 years ago now). I have also worked so closely with Nancy Jones, the owner and Executive Director of The Children's Farm http://www.childrensfarm.org and have seen how she has built and sustained a healthy and successful school community. I have known enough to know that most people who start small businesses do not get rich off of them. This has never been my intent; however, I always worry that people think this.

I have been leading classes for almost 8 years now, yet had dappled in some other forms of parent education prior to this (there is always some during conferences as a preschool teacher and then leading parent nights and of course, my education for my Masters program). However, at this time I did not see myself quite yet as a Parent Educator. It became easier to see myself in this role once I became a mom and was able to put the tools I had learned from my schooling and my teaching and see how that fits into parenting. This is when parent education moved from something that interested me into something I am very passionate about. My first born challenged a lot of what I thought I knew prior to becoming a parent. I found myself baffled with so many things. I remember thinking, "I have been teaching preschool for years and have a degree in Child Psych, this will be easy right?" WRONG! I began to wonder what others who don't have the child psych background and hadn't worked with numerous young children were doing if I was struggling and I did have this background.

From 2003-2008 I was leading parenting classes here and there and I did a few staff development trainings during that time as well among my other work. I finally decided to formalize it into a business in January 2009. I really didn't follow the normal process people probably do when they start a business: I didn't have a plan...I just did it and decided I would figure it out along the way. I have learned a lot in the past 2 years and am still learning a lot. My biggest goal was for me to do what I love in the way that feels right to me and of course, the reason many people move towards owning their own small business, is the flexibility. It's no wonder that my top priority in life would be my family. I want to be available to my family and this work provides me with it. In fact, with every class I teach and every Personalized Parenting Session I do, I feel like I become a better mom. The biggest reward though is hearing from the parents after the class or the session how much more confident they feel in their parenting and how it has impacted their relationship with their child in positive ways (in my mind things don't get much better than that!) Such a win, win for everyone!

I am not in this for the money. I plan to continue my work at The Children's Farm as I love this part of my life as well. If and when my family gets to the point where money seems to be something we need more of, then I will look at making some other choices for my career. For now, I want to continue to do what I love and continue to have positive impacts on the families I work with.

I mentioned earlier that I didn't really have a business plan when I started. I had goals and a mission, but in this past year I have been more thoughtful of how this may look beyond my direct work with families. It's extremely important for me to "give back" to the community. This is a big priority for our family as well, but I realized Parent & Teacher Support Services can take part in this as well. I believe this "giving back" will take on different forms each year and I am yet to determine how this might look in 2011.

I am proud to say that in 2010 that over 20% of the Net Profit was donated to local causes. Below is the summary of how I chose to support this community in 2010:

46% went towards donated Personalized Parenting Sessions for Silent Auctions

Power of the Purse Silent Auction to benefit FamilyMeans http://www.familymeans.org
The Pam Kreyer Benefit http://caringbridge.org/visit/pamkreyer
Stonebridge Elementary School Silent Auction http://stonebridge.stillwater.k12.mn.us
St. Michael's School Annual Golf Tournament/ Silent Auction http://www.stcroixcatholic.com

54% went towards the memorial fund and items to enhance the Celebration of Life Ceremony for Annie Bahneman, the child (our family friend) who died suddenly from a sudden, rare illness. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/anniebahneman When I heard that the family wanted pinwheels for the parade from the church to Annie's burial site and snacks for the children along the way, it seemed only natural that this would be something my company would help with. My friends, Annie's parents were so careful to think through what would help all these children grieve http://parentteachersupportservices.blogspot.com/2010/09/celebrating-life.html and what would help the very youngest that joined their families for this ceremony last just a little longer, so the rest of the family could do what they needed to do on this day (grieve, share stories, hug, cry, etc.).

As I continue to wrap up this year and look to 2011, I will look back on the past two years and consider them a success. I hope it rings out that I don't want to look at success based on how much money I have made (or I might get a little sad!), but rather look at how many families this business has touched in the past two years. I hope the answer can be many! In 2011, I will continue to do what I love and continue to find ways to best meet the needs of the families I work with.

Handling Challenging Situations with Our Children

2010-10-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of reading the book Insightful Parenting by Steve Kahn. In fact, I am offering a Parent Book Study on this book starting in November (please see website for details).

I wanted to share two key aspects that Dr. Kahn talks about in the book.

1) In moments where we may feel judged by our children's behaviors, choose to be a role model to the other parents and let them judge you on how you react to your child's behaviors rather than judging your child's behaviors.

2) Regardless of how badly our children may treat us at certain times, we need to treat them better. They will act their age at times (Dr. Kahn refers to this as "age-appropriate inappropriate" behavior), but we are not allowed to act their age.

I can't wait to spend time discussing these key aspects and many others in the Book Study coming up. I know this book is already altering my parenting in positive ways!

Celebrating Life

2010-09-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

Dear friends of mine lost their 7 year old daughter to a sudden illness only weeks ago. I believe this is any parent's worst nightmare. I know this has been and will continue to be an incredibly painful journey for my friends as they begin to live life without their precious daughter, Annie.

Despite all this pain, these friends have taught so many so much in these past two weeks. They have shared so much on their daughter's Caringbridge site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/anniebahneman) about their last days and then last hours with Annie. It's incredibly hard to read as it is so very sad; however, it is beautiful at the same time. They did what felt natural to them at the time and what they knew their daughter would want. Together they held her after she passed sharing stories and thanking God for the wonderful 7 years they had with her. They even took time to wash and comb her hair and paint her fingernails and toenails. Of course none of us know how we would react in a situation like this, but they responded to this situation with love...something that all of us can truly admire.

My friends and their family spent a lot of time during the next days thinking through what they wanted the funeral to be like, taking special consideration into what Annie would have wanted. They wanted it to be a happy time celebrating her life. I know in my lifetime funerals have not always been this way, but I can't help but think that this is such a wonderful lesson for our children. Yes, we are sad that we have lost this beautiful, vibrant child, but we are so lucky to have known her while she was here.

The visitation was filled with numerous memorabilia of Annie's: books she liked, special toys, and other favorite treasures that young children are so drawn to. The room was also filled with photos of Annie with her family, friends, and classmates. As we entered the visitation there was a table set aside for children to draw pictures of themselves with Annie and they were making these into a book. I think this was very therapeutic for many of the children.

The ceremony was lovely and the children present were involved by putting a flower up on the alter near a photo of Annie. However, the part that has stuck with me the most was how the day ended. Annie loved balloons, parades, and pink, so the parents decided to have a walking parade from the church to the burial site. Children were carrying balloons, pinwheels, and were riding on scooters, in strollers, and biking. City workers and police officers were stopping traffic when necessary. The neighborhood families had lined the streets with balloons as well. At times I had to remind myself that I was actually at a funeral and not at a birthday party. Annie would have loved this!

I want to go back to the children's perspective of all of this. Of course there were numerous children present as Annie was only 7 years old. I think to children death is very confusing and often even scary. It's hard for us adults to understand so we can relate when children are confused about this topic. Funerals usually evoke some very hard feelings for all of us and to children these feelings are jumbled and chaotic. To have the focus on celebrating ones life truly kept the focus on the good that has come of this life rather than the tragic loss. I am not saying we cannot be sad in front of our children and cannot bring them to funerals, but I think we can learn so much from the choices my friends made. I think the children that attended this funeral were sad of course, but were given ways to cope with this sadness: looking at numerous photographs (many of the children in them with Annie), drawing pictures of Annie and themselves, watching a slide show of more photos of Annie, her friends, and family, and of course allowing themselves to be happy and giggle and think good thoughts of their dear friend. Many children kept their pinwheels from the parade to put in their yards as a reminder of Annie. At the burial site we all released the balloons. I know this will be a lasting memory for many of those children. It was truly beautiful, not scary. Again, it is a great lesson in death for all of us young and old: To celebrate the life that the person had.

I am not saying the grieving process will not exist, because it certainly does. However, I keep trying to bring my mind back to Annie's wonderful 7 years and how fully she lived in that short time. Would we have loved to have her here longer? Yes, of course. Unfortunately we cannot change that, but we do have her memories to hold onto and I will continue to talk about those memories with my children so they continue to remember Annie and her wonderful spirit!

I admire my friends greatly to be able to teach us all so much these past couple weeks as they have been going through such a difficult time. Our lives are all changed because of this...in so many ways!

Who's In Charge: Parent or Child?

2010-04-27T04:47:00.000-07:00

I think this is a valid question for all of us to ask ourselves...and not one our parents would have needed to ask when we were kids. The roles of parents used to be a lot clearer and now many parents are finding their lives being run by their children. Is this normal? Is this acceptable? Is this how it should be?

I have spent quite a bit of time the past month speaking with other teachers about this phenomena of parents being submissive to their children. The children are clearly running the show by talking back, not taking on or fulfilling household responsibilities, etc. It's as though the parents are afraid to stand up to the children. Dr. Elias has termed this status uncertainty or status insecurity.

I think the problem is many parents see this as the norm and do not realize it could be different. They have accepted this behavior.

Recently I had an interaction with a 7 year old boy that left me stunned. I told the boy it was time to go home (I had told his mom that I would send him home by a certain time). He first said, "Well, I don't go to bed this early so why should I have to go home now?" I explained that it was time for my own kids to go to bed. He looked me right in the eye and said, "Well, this just sucks! This just sucks! I can't believe I have to go home this early!"

Now, I am all for children expressing their opinions and in some ways this was this child's way of expressing how he felt about the situation. However, it was done in a completely disrespectful way (not to mention using language that is unacceptable for a 7 year old). Of course there are so many different ways I could have chosen to address this child. Mostly, I couldn't help but wonder if his parents allow him to talk like this. I would think he would not attempt this with me if it wasn't acceptable somewhere in his life.

I was very matter of fact with the child telling him I understood that he was mad that he needed to leave and that he was welcome back again, but only if he chose to use a much more respectful tone with me. Of course I also explained to him that it was never OK to talk to anyone in that manner. He knew I was serious by my tone and he scampered off to go home.

The bottom line is I feel like to many people this example really wouldn't surprise them all that much. We have accepted this kind of behavior from children and it is becoming the norm. Many parents don't see this as a problem...or don't realize it's a problem, because they think this is how it's supposed to be. This is just one example that I have observed (but there have been many). After talking to these other teachers it is clear that they see similar examples all the time (and some much more extreme). It may be as simple as an eye roll or a child refusing to pick up their work space when first asked...they are all examples of children showing disrespect to the adults in their lives.

So, what is my role as a parent educator supposed to be when many children are the ones running the show and the parents don't realize this is shouldn't be this way? How do I reach these families so they don't end up in a world of hurt when their children are teenagers and are out of control because they don't have the proper guidance (being taught how to be respectful to not only their parents and teachers, but to everyone else)?

I am not saying we need to be "controlling" our children. I think in many ways children need to feel powerful and there are many ways we can help them feel this way without giving up the piece of respect and authority. This is the premise of my work: to help children feel a sense of control over their lives, but also help the parents feel like they are still in charge and not being walked all over by their children. I have been very successful at helping parents find this balance. However, the struggle isn't finding those that realize that they need some assistance...the struggle is reaching those that don't realize it.

How do you want to be remembered?

2009-12-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

Parents:

1) How do you want your children to remember you someday?

2) How will they describe what kind of parent you were to them?

3) If life suddenly ended tomorrow, would your children describe you the way you want to be remembered?
a) If not, what is standing in the way? What could you change today to make that answer be different?
b) If yes, then how did you get there?

Teachers:

1) How do you want your students to remember you someday?

2) How will they describe what kind of teacher you were to them?

3) If life suddenly ended tomorrow, would your students describe you the way you want to be remembered?
a) If not, what is standing in the way? What could you change today to make that answer be different?
b) If yes, then how did you get there?

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-11-29T18:01:00.001-08:00

A couple weeks ago I went to see Where the Wild Things Are. I truly feel like adults can learn a lot from this movie. Before I go any further, however, its important to know that I am by no means a movie critic and this is not meant to be a movie review.

I'm sure most of you have read the book, Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak and understand the premise. The young boy gets in trouble and is sent to his room. During this time in his room he loses himself in his imagination. He finds himself in a dark and somewhat scary place trying to work through his uncomfortable feelings.

The movie truly brings this to life and you can feel what Max was feeling when his mom was yelling at him saying, "What is wrong with you Max?!?!" Prior to the yelling Max was clearly trying to get his stressed and preoccupied mom's attention. His mom did not realize this and her confusion for his behavior quickly turned to frustration...and eventually to anger as his attention getting behavior got worse. I think we can relate to this.

What stood out to me the most was watching this all unfold and seeing the fear in Max's eyes. Nobody likes to get yelled at and imagine being yelled at by the person you are supposed the trust the most? Pretty scary. I'm sure most of us have been on the giving and receiving end of times like those. It was easy to see how terrible these moments must feel to children.

We saw the world that Max went to in his head at this time. We see that children can find coping mechanisms when they are scared and feel unloved. However, I think it's important for us to think about if we need to put our children in these positions where they are having to find these types of coping mechanisms. I am not saying children should never have to feel sad or anger or other strong emotions. Of course they need to experience these emotions so they can learn how to cope with them. However, there are emotions that come because of typical life events and then there are strong emotions that are created by unfortunate circumstances that we find ourselves in with our children...we know the ones.

It's not always easy to try to put ourselves in a child's shoes and truly see things from their perspective. Maurice Sendak certainly had gift for understanding children. I know it took him a long while to find someone to do justice to his book in a film. He wanted movie goers to grasp this concept: to see life through the eyes of a child...a gift I would wish for everyone.

Feeling Big

2009-09-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

One of the things I mention in some of my classes is the idea that many children tend to feel so small in this adult world we live in. One of my goals as an educator is to help find ways for children to feel "big" (and to help parents and teachers find ways for their children to feel "big"). One of the reasons I love teaching at The Children's Farm is because of all the opportunities the children have to feel this way.

I had the most amazing afternoon today as I was teaching one of my parent-child classes at The Children's Farm School. The children and their parents had the choice to climb to the hayloft to play if they wanted to. The ladder is wooden, attached to the wall, and completely vertical. It is a true challenge! Some children approach this with little hesitation and others are a little leery. They don't have to climb up if they don't want to, but it is not a choice for their parent or me to carry them up this ladder. So, if they want to play up there, they have to climb.

There was one child today that was pretty scared. His mom went up first so she "could check it out for him". His small body shook as he took each step. I guided his feet and then his hands, but really made sure he was doing the work. At times he would pause. Many times in moments like this it is easy to assume this is signaling that the child needs help. However, when I would wait it became obvious that that was not the case at all. The child was simply trying to think and process where his foot would go next. Usually their brains have a good sense of how to do this, it's just allowing them the time to make those connections and helping them feel safe enough for their body to focus. At one point the boy said "No thank you" trying to tell me that he didn't want to climb anymore. I asked him if he wanted to go up and he said yes. I showed him that he didn't have much farther to go and that if wanted to go up he needed to climb. I of course also reminded him that he was safe...showed him that I was there if he needed it, but that he was doing it himself.

The boy continued to shake as he took his last two climbs to get to the top. He still was pretty nervous as he got to the top and had to figure out how to pull himself through the last wrung to stand up. His mom and I let him figure this out. The best moment of the day though was when he stood up and a smile came over his face: a genuine smile of "I did it!" He didn't say these words, but I know he was thinking it. I purposely did not praise him for his climbing. This was his moment and I didn't want to take that away from him (please check out my class on Praise Versus Encouragement if you want to Learn more about this topic). Some of the scariest moments in life are the ones that feel the best once we overcome them. This little boy felt pretty great at that moment. I can't help but wonder how that must have carried over to the rest of his time in my class and then when he went home.

I had many more moments like this today as other children climbed up into the hayloft and then down from the hayloft and then as they all climbed over a gate to go on a hike. I could have opened the gate for the hike, but I knew climbing over the gate would be one more way for these children to feel big. The competency and courage that I see grow in these children keep me loving this job and I truly think these 2 C's are what keep these children wanting to come back to the Farm!

I think it's important for us to all keep thinking about other ways for our children to feel this way. What if we don't have a hayloft or a fence to climb? What else is out there to help them feel BIG?

Crying

2009-09-27T19:01:00.001-07:00

This is a topic I have wanted to write about for quite a while, as it is something that comes up frequently around here.

When we hear someone crying something often happens to us inside: our heart might begin to race, we might begin to feel like we want to cry, we might suddenly feel like we have a problem to solve, etc. I'm sure it is a little different for all of us. However, the bottom line is that it does something to us. It makes things feel unstable, even if just for a few seconds.

When our children were babies we were all taught to respond pretty quickly to their cries, at least of course until we had a better sense of their cries. Some of us are better at this part than others and some baby's cries aren't always all that different from one need to the other, even though the books always say they will be! At any rate, we all began our parenting lives by responding to the "cry".

I think in many homes the response to the cries continues to be about the same. We answer it in hopes to fix it and selfishly at times, simply to make that feeling we have inside go back to how it was feeling before the crying started.

A few years ago I was talking with the director at my son's school about his tears at the beginning of his school day and often at the beginning of anything new. He was 3 and being away from me was somewhat new for him. The director assured me that he was doing great at school and would sometimes let out a big sigh after he would cry. It was almost like he was saying, "OK, now that I have that done with, I can move on." The director brought up a great point that he wasn't necessarily sad about going to school or trying other new things, he simply felt some anxiety and crying was his release of this.

I thought this was brilliant and I have really watched closely with other children in other situations when they cry to see if this might be true for them as well. The more I observed, the more I saw that this was true and all of us adults were misreading it all along. We were trying to help the crying child by comforting him or her. I have never been a teacher to try to rescue children from their feelings. I have always realized that we all deserve to feel our feelings, but this perspective from my son's teacher was still incredibly enlightening.

Young children do not always have the words to express their feelings. And even when they have the words they may not have the wisdom to be able to express that that is what they are feeling. I think a lot of times when children feel anxiety, sadness, and even anger it is very confusing to them, especially when it is coupled with excitement.

I am thinking of a child getting on the bus the first few weeks of school for kindergarten. This is something this child has looked forward to for a couple years. She is excited and really likes school, yet she does feel some anxiety because it is away from home and mom. These feelings together can be very confusing to a child: Which way should she feel? Which one should she listen to more? The worried one or the excited one? A young child cannot usually put all this into words. It comes out in tears. It's her way of releasing these feelings so she can move forward with her day. As a parent watching this it can be hard to not try to "fix" it; however, there really isn't anything to fix.

I am not of course recommending that we ignore crying. We need to be in tune to our children by spending time with them, observing them, etc. We need to know what is happening in their lives so we can help identify their feelings. We can help them put words to these emotions and let them know it is OK to cry sometimes. Many of us could vouch for how good a cry can feel every once in a while. So, continue to be there for your own children and the children you work with, but try to remember that crying may serve many purposes. After all we strive to understand our children the best we can and this bit of insight brings us just a little closer to that!

Holding it Together

2009-09-11T11:00:00.001-07:00

My 6 year old has had a great week at school. He has had so many wonderful things to say about everything. However, after he's been home for not even 30 minutes, he just falls apart. This has been coming out in a variety of ways: crying, yelling, arguing, and even hitting. My first inclination is to wonder if this is happening at school, but I've been teaching long enough to know that it is most likely not. Children save these outbursts for those they trust and know will love them unconditionally (their parents!).

These first few weeks of school are challenging for families and teachers. Of course there is much excitement for the newness of it all, but our children are working hard everyday when they are away from us. They're working hard learning the routine and schedule, getting acquainted with old and new classmates, getting to know their teachers, and simply readjusting to more time away from home. One of the biggest things that they are doing is trying to hold it together.

Have you ever picked your child up from preschool or day care and they cried almost instantly when they saw you? You question if they have been like this all day, but the teacher assures you their day was great. Their day was great! However, when they fell earlier they wanted to cry, but held it in because they really wanted to keep playing with the other kids. When they started to miss you, they worked really hard to think of other things so they wouldn't cry. They had much success with that, but it has to be a lot of work to do that. I am sure we can all relate to some extent. Imagine trying to get through your work day when you are worried about something, but really need to focus on work. It often isn't until you see someone you really trust and care about that you let down your true feelings.

Maybe if we all would let our feelings out as we feel them we might not have such a struggle trying to get through our days. It's possible though that we may not simply get through half the things we need to if we let ourselves do this. I do think it is natural to want to learn when to pull it together and when to let it out. Our children are learning this as they go as well....whether it's easy on them or not.

As hard as it is to find patience in these times with our kids, I am trying really hard to keep it in perspective. It will get better (3 weeks usually for a transition like this). I know what my son needs from me more than anything is to be patient, loving, and understanding in this time. I think it's important to think back to how it felt to be a kid and how these first few weeks felt to us when we were working so hard to hold it together. We'll all survive and get through this and live it all over again next fall!

Herding Cats

2009-07-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

My husband just finished his first season as t-ball coach for children entering and completing kindergarten. Although he had a lot of fun and admits her learned a lot, he turned to me last night on the way home from the final game and questioned my chosen profession. Of course he is not the first person to question my interest and desire to choose to spend my time with large groups of children, but it has been a while since this has happened.

I thought about my husband's comments a lot last night and today as I was working. Luckily, I do truly love children and it is easy for me to defend my profession. First of all, children have such an amazing excitement for life. I admire this and often times it is simply contagious. I love hearing their stories as I feel like it's a window into their minds and how they see the world. I learn something from every child I work with, even if it is only for a short time.

My husband agreed with me to some extent, but was struggling to see past the struggles he would encounter when leading a group of children. He asked how I cope on a regular basis with the children that are easily distracted or don't seem like they are fully engaged in what is happening. I smiled and told him that those are often my favorite children to work with. For one, I like a challenge every now and then. Secondly, it is so rewarding when you see them grow. When they move from being disengaged to fully engaged. Those are the children that remind us that it's all about learning...life is all about learning. None of us come into the world knowing right from wrong, or knowing how to engage or be a part of a group. We learn this as time goes on, when someone takes the time to teach us that, whether it's a teacher, a parent, or coach.

The bottom line is that no job is easy. We all gravitate towards careers that we are successful at and that we find rewarding. I think it's so important, however, to remember that any person that spends time with children: as a coach, sitter, teacher, neighbor, aunt, etc. has the ability to impact a child's life. So, even though spending time with large groups of children may not be an official job for you (and you may be very relieved about this), it still may be a role you encounter at times in your life. Try not to underestimate your possible impact.

I will continue to defend this wonderful job: teaching young children...at least I hope I will for many years to come.

Time to Reflect on the Year

2009-06-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

This seems to be the time of year I often step back and reflect on the growth of my own children and the children I teach. I think it's the teacher in me that sees May and June as times to think about the past year and begin to form goals for the following year.

Every time I take time to do this I am always amazed at how much children grow in 9 months (Sept.-May). It may be as simple as learning to zip their coat or as complex as learning to use the bathroom independently. No matter how major or minor the growth is, it is still important to acknowledge and celebrate.

As a teacher, I often find this time of year a little bittersweet. I so enjoy the time I spend with these young people and it can be hard to say good-bye when the school year comes to a close. However, when I look back over the year I can't help but feel such a sense of pride for them. They truly grow so much in that time. I haven't been teaching preschool the past six years, but I have been teaching parent-child classes. This is such a treat! I not only get to see the children grow, but the parents grow as well. What could be better than that?!?!

Of course, I grow tremendously every year as a teacher as well. With every group of children and parents I spend time with I learn a little something (and sometimes a lot of something!).

As I see my own children complete a year in school, I often sit back and just wonder where the time is going. It can be so easy to get hung up on the sadness of leaving these stages of time, but it can also be so exciting to see all that they are accomplishing. I often have to remind myself that this is one of the most rewarding parts of raising children: watching them become so independent and capable.

Talk to your children (your own or your students) about how much they have grown this year.
"Remember when you were first learning how to read in fall and all those letters looked so confusing. Now look what you're doing! You worked so hard all year on this. You should be so proud of yourself!"
"Remember when you didn't know how to do the monkey bars, but you wanted to so bad? You spent so much time looking at them and attempting them. After so much determination and growing, you can do it now."
"Remember at the beginning of school you didn't want me to leave you? Now you don't even notice me when I come to get you!"

Do this with yourself as well...we sometimes really need this as parents and teachers. We can be so hard on ourselves. Try to focus on what has gone well and then gradually begin to form goals for yourself for growth.

Most of all, enjoy the time you have with your children (your own and/or the children you teach) whether it's the first day of school or the last, or they're 9 months old or 9 years old. The time goes by fast...