How do I know if my child is texting too much?
How do I know if my child is getting enough play time during the week?
How do I know if I am playing with my child too much?
How do I know if I am working too much?
These are just some of the questions I get from parents who are trying to figure out what constitutes enough in their family lives.
I recently developed a tool that parents can use to help answer these questions on their own with their specific issues.
Family Reality Check
A tool to use to examine situations or activities that our children encounter (parent, school, extracurricular activities, or society induced) to help us determine if the situation is "Too Much" for the child based on the following questions.
A tool to use to examine situations or activities that our children encounter (parent, school, extracurricular activities, or society induced) to help us determine if the situation is "Too Much" for the child based on the following questions.
Does this situation...
If you answer yes to more than one of the above you need to re-evaluate things as soon as you are able.
Let's try this out with an example. Here is a question I received recently from a family prior to a Personalized Parenting Session:
"My husband is a wonderful dad and I feel so lucky that my 4 year old daughter has a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. We work during the day, so he wants to make the most of his time with her. Almost every night after day care he takes her to the Mall of America, a park, out to dinner, or to the Children's Museum while I am home taking care of the baby. On the weekends they do similar things and the baby and I join them when we can. When my husband and daughter are at home he is constantly playing with her. She adores him. However, I have noticed that she doesn't really know how to play on her own and seems overly attached to her dad: getting extremely upset when he has to be gone. Could it be possible that he is giving her too much attention?"
Let's go through the Family Reality Check here for this question.
Does this situation...
Take away from her childhood or is it hindering her development?
It could very well be hindering her development. First of all, this little girl is very lucky to have a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. I'm sure he feels as though he is enhancing her childhood by providing her with so many experiences. This is true to some extent. However, when a child does not have any play time on her own she isn't learning basic social/ emotional skills: learning how to be confident in who she is and to play with other children. She is likely learning that she needs to be entertained rather than creating her own play.
Require too much time, money, and attention?
Likely this is the case. I instantly wonder how much of the family's weekly income is going towards "fun" outings. More importantly it seems to be that this little girl is getting most of the dad's attention. Again, his intent is very good; however, by spending so much time with the daughter he is spending less time with his wife and their baby.
Conflict with family goals?
After talking with this family more I learned that their family goals were: 1) To raise independent and confident children, 2) to have fun together as a family, 3) to enjoy life, and 4) to be connected to their children. It is highly likely that the dad and the daughter are very connected since they are together so much. This aspect is being met. However, the first family goal is to raise independent and confident children. By giving the daughter so much attention she is not learning how to be independent which in turn impacts her confidence in negative ways. When we look at the next couple of goals they are somewhat meeting these; however, not really as a family. If the mom and the baby were involved in these outings more often it would be more in line with those two goals.
Happening because I don't want to say no?
This does not seem to be the case for this family. The dad genuinely wants to be doing these fun outings with his daughter. It doesn't sound like she is asking or begging for these experiences, but rather, he is making the decision to do this.
Being that we were able to answer yes to three out of the four questions. I would recommend the family take time to re-evaluate and make some changes. Perhaps the mom and dad could decide together what outings they would like to do together as a family (maybe 2 a week would be a good number) and then the dad and the daughter could keep one evening or block of time on the weekend set aside for them to have some one on one time together for an outing. I would also recommend they sit down with their daughter and discuss the importance of her having some time to play on her own. They could discuss what she could do during this time. Since she is not used to doing this the family will need to start with short amounts, maybe a half hour at first and build up from there. With guidance and allowing the 4 year old to be a part of this discussion she will likely handle this change very easily.
I hope this example gives you enough to go on when looking at your own family situations to help bring you back to reality if needed.
- Take away childhood? (In other words, is this situation hindering the child's development socially, emotionally, physically, or cognitively?)
- Require too much time, money, or attention? (Is it using a disproportionate amount of resources?)
- Conflict with family goals?
- Happen because I am afraid to say no? (In other words, do you allow this situation to continue because you want to avoid a conflict or power struggle with your child?)
If you answer yes to more than one of the above you need to re-evaluate things as soon as you are able.
Let's try this out with an example. Here is a question I received recently from a family prior to a Personalized Parenting Session:
"My husband is a wonderful dad and I feel so lucky that my 4 year old daughter has a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. We work during the day, so he wants to make the most of his time with her. Almost every night after day care he takes her to the Mall of America, a park, out to dinner, or to the Children's Museum while I am home taking care of the baby. On the weekends they do similar things and the baby and I join them when we can. When my husband and daughter are at home he is constantly playing with her. She adores him. However, I have noticed that she doesn't really know how to play on her own and seems overly attached to her dad: getting extremely upset when he has to be gone. Could it be possible that he is giving her too much attention?"
Let's go through the Family Reality Check here for this question.
Does this situation...
Take away from her childhood or is it hindering her development?
It could very well be hindering her development. First of all, this little girl is very lucky to have a dad who enjoys spending so much time with her. I'm sure he feels as though he is enhancing her childhood by providing her with so many experiences. This is true to some extent. However, when a child does not have any play time on her own she isn't learning basic social/ emotional skills: learning how to be confident in who she is and to play with other children. She is likely learning that she needs to be entertained rather than creating her own play.
Require too much time, money, and attention?
Likely this is the case. I instantly wonder how much of the family's weekly income is going towards "fun" outings. More importantly it seems to be that this little girl is getting most of the dad's attention. Again, his intent is very good; however, by spending so much time with the daughter he is spending less time with his wife and their baby.
Conflict with family goals?
After talking with this family more I learned that their family goals were: 1) To raise independent and confident children, 2) to have fun together as a family, 3) to enjoy life, and 4) to be connected to their children. It is highly likely that the dad and the daughter are very connected since they are together so much. This aspect is being met. However, the first family goal is to raise independent and confident children. By giving the daughter so much attention she is not learning how to be independent which in turn impacts her confidence in negative ways. When we look at the next couple of goals they are somewhat meeting these; however, not really as a family. If the mom and the baby were involved in these outings more often it would be more in line with those two goals.
Happening because I don't want to say no?
This does not seem to be the case for this family. The dad genuinely wants to be doing these fun outings with his daughter. It doesn't sound like she is asking or begging for these experiences, but rather, he is making the decision to do this.
Being that we were able to answer yes to three out of the four questions. I would recommend the family take time to re-evaluate and make some changes. Perhaps the mom and dad could decide together what outings they would like to do together as a family (maybe 2 a week would be a good number) and then the dad and the daughter could keep one evening or block of time on the weekend set aside for them to have some one on one time together for an outing. I would also recommend they sit down with their daughter and discuss the importance of her having some time to play on her own. They could discuss what she could do during this time. Since she is not used to doing this the family will need to start with short amounts, maybe a half hour at first and build up from there. With guidance and allowing the 4 year old to be a part of this discussion she will likely handle this change very easily.
I hope this example gives you enough to go on when looking at your own family situations to help bring you back to reality if needed.
I also teach a class called More, More, More! on this topic. This class also extends into how we help our children learn how much is enough, so they can put this into play in their day to day lives. I can also be contracted to come lead this class or others like it at your school or organization. Please feel free to contact me for more details if you are interested.
I was on Twin Cities Live today, Tuesday, March 29th discussing using this tool to answer a fan's question about her child and sports.
If you are interested in questions specifically related to sports and children there is a class coming up at The Children's Farm taught by Early Childhood Teacher and Parent Educator, Nancy Jones, M.S.
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