Who's In Charge: Parent or Child?

I think this is a valid question for all of us to ask ourselves...and not one our parents would have needed to ask when we were kids. The roles of parents used to be a lot clearer and now many parents are finding their lives being run by their children. Is this normal? Is this acceptable? Is this how it should be?

I have spent quite a bit of time the past month speaking with other teachers about this phenomena of parents being submissive to their children. The children are clearly running the show by talking back, not taking on or fulfilling household responsibilities, etc. It's as though the parents are afraid to stand up to the children. Dr. Elias has termed this status uncertainty or status insecurity.

I think the problem is many parents see this as the norm and do not realize it could be different. They have accepted this behavior.

Recently I had an interaction with a 7 year old boy that left me stunned. I told the boy it was time to go home (I had told his mom that I would send him home by a certain time). He first said, "Well, I don't go to bed this early so why should I have to go home now?" I explained that it was time for my own kids to go to bed. He looked me right in the eye and said, "Well, this just sucks! This just sucks! I can't believe I have to go home this early!"

Now, I am all for children expressing their opinions and in some ways this was this child's way of expressing how he felt about the situation. However, it was done in a completely disrespectful way (not to mention using language that is unacceptable for a 7 year old). Of course there are so many different ways I could have chosen to address this child. Mostly, I couldn't help but wonder if his parents allow him to talk like this. I would think he would not attempt this with me if it wasn't acceptable somewhere in his life.

I was very matter of fact with the child telling him I understood that he was mad that he needed to leave and that he was welcome back again, but only if he chose to use a much more respectful tone with me. Of course I also explained to him that it was never OK to talk to anyone in that manner. He knew I was serious by my tone and he scampered off to go home.

The bottom line is I feel like to many people this example really wouldn't surprise them all that much. We have accepted this kind of behavior from children and it is becoming the norm. Many parents don't see this as a problem...or don't realize it's a problem, because they think this is how it's supposed to be. This is just one example that I have observed (but there have been many). After talking to these other teachers it is clear that they see similar examples all the time (and some much more extreme). It may be as simple as an eye roll or a child refusing to pick up their work space when first asked...they are all examples of children showing disrespect to the adults in their lives.

So, what is my role as a parent educator supposed to be when many children are the ones running the show and the parents don't realize this is shouldn't be this way? How do I reach these families so they don't end up in a world of hurt when their children are teenagers and are out of control because they don't have the proper guidance (being taught how to be respectful to not only their parents and teachers, but to everyone else)?

I am not saying we need to be "controlling" our children. I think in many ways children need to feel powerful and there are many ways we can help them feel this way without giving up the piece of respect and authority. This is the premise of my work: to help children feel a sense of control over their lives, but also help the parents feel like they are still in charge and not being walked all over by their children. I have been very successful at helping parents find this balance. However, the struggle isn't finding those that realize that they need some assistance...the struggle is reaching those that don't realize it.