One of the things I mention in some of my classes is the idea that many children tend to feel so small in this adult world we live in. One of my goals as an educator is to help find ways for children to feel "big" (and to help parents and teachers find ways for their children to feel "big"). One of the reasons I love teaching at The Children's Farm is because of all the opportunities the children have to feel this way.
I had the most amazing afternoon today as I was teaching one of my parent-child classes at The Children's Farm School. The children and their parents had the choice to climb to the hayloft to play if they wanted to. The ladder is wooden, attached to the wall, and completely vertical. It is a true challenge! Some children approach this with little hesitation and others are a little leery. They don't have to climb up if they don't want to, but it is not a choice for their parent or me to carry them up this ladder. So, if they want to play up there, they have to climb.
There was one child today that was pretty scared. His mom went up first so she "could check it out for him". His small body shook as he took each step. I guided his feet and then his hands, but really made sure he was doing the work. At times he would pause. Many times in moments like this it is easy to assume this is signaling that the child needs help. However, when I would wait it became obvious that that was not the case at all. The child was simply trying to think and process where his foot would go next. Usually their brains have a good sense of how to do this, it's just allowing them the time to make those connections and helping them feel safe enough for their body to focus. At one point the boy said "No thank you" trying to tell me that he didn't want to climb anymore. I asked him if he wanted to go up and he said yes. I showed him that he didn't have much farther to go and that if wanted to go up he needed to climb. I of course also reminded him that he was safe...showed him that I was there if he needed it, but that he was doing it himself.
The boy continued to shake as he took his last two climbs to get to the top. He still was pretty nervous as he got to the top and had to figure out how to pull himself through the last wrung to stand up. His mom and I let him figure this out. The best moment of the day though was when he stood up and a smile came over his face: a genuine smile of "I did it!" He didn't say these words, but I know he was thinking it. I purposely did not praise him for his climbing. This was his moment and I didn't want to take that away from him (please check out my class on Praise Versus Encouragement if you want to Learn more about this topic). Some of the scariest moments in life are the ones that feel the best once we overcome them. This little boy felt pretty great at that moment. I can't help but wonder how that must have carried over to the rest of his time in my class and then when he went home.
I had many more moments like this today as other children climbed up into the hayloft and then down from the hayloft and then as they all climbed over a gate to go on a hike. I could have opened the gate for the hike, but I knew climbing over the gate would be one more way for these children to feel big. The competency and courage that I see grow in these children keep me loving this job and I truly think these 2 C's are what keep these children wanting to come back to the Farm!
I think it's important for us to all keep thinking about other ways for our children to feel this way. What if we don't have a hayloft or a fence to climb? What else is out there to help them feel BIG?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Crying
This is a topic I have wanted to write about for quite a while, as it is something that comes up frequently around here.
When we hear someone crying something often happens to us inside: our heart might begin to race, we might begin to feel like we want to cry, we might suddenly feel like we have a problem to solve, etc. I'm sure it is a little different for all of us. However, the bottom line is that it does something to us. It makes things feel unstable, even if just for a few seconds.
When our children were babies we were all taught to respond pretty quickly to their cries, at least of course until we had a better sense of their cries. Some of us are better at this part than others and some baby's cries aren't always all that different from one need to the other, even though the books always say they will be! At any rate, we all began our parenting lives by responding to the "cry".
I think in many homes the response to the cries continues to be about the same. We answer it in hopes to fix it and selfishly at times, simply to make that feeling we have inside go back to how it was feeling before the crying started.
A few years ago I was talking with the director at my son's school about his tears at the beginning of his school day and often at the beginning of anything new. He was 3 and being away from me was somewhat new for him. The director assured me that he was doing great at school and would sometimes let out a big sigh after he would cry. It was almost like he was saying, "OK, now that I have that done with, I can move on." The director brought up a great point that he wasn't necessarily sad about going to school or trying other new things, he simply felt some anxiety and crying was his release of this.
I thought this was brilliant and I have really watched closely with other children in other situations when they cry to see if this might be true for them as well. The more I observed, the more I saw that this was true and all of us adults were misreading it all along. We were trying to help the crying child by comforting him or her. I have never been a teacher to try to rescue children from their feelings. I have always realized that we all deserve to feel our feelings, but this perspective from my son's teacher was still incredibly enlightening.
Young children do not always have the words to express their feelings. And even when they have the words they may not have the wisdom to be able to express that that is what they are feeling. I think a lot of times when children feel anxiety, sadness, and even anger it is very confusing to them, especially when it is coupled with excitement.
I am thinking of a child getting on the bus the first few weeks of school for kindergarten. This is something this child has looked forward to for a couple years. She is excited and really likes school, yet she does feel some anxiety because it is away from home and mom. These feelings together can be very confusing to a child: Which way should she feel? Which one should she listen to more? The worried one or the excited one? A young child cannot usually put all this into words. It comes out in tears. It's her way of releasing these feelings so she can move forward with her day. As a parent watching this it can be hard to not try to "fix" it; however, there really isn't anything to fix.
I am not of course recommending that we ignore crying. We need to be in tune to our children by spending time with them, observing them, etc. We need to know what is happening in their lives so we can help identify their feelings. We can help them put words to these emotions and let them know it is OK to cry sometimes. Many of us could vouch for how good a cry can feel every once in a while. So, continue to be there for your own children and the children you work with, but try to remember that crying may serve many purposes. After all we strive to understand our children the best we can and this bit of insight brings us just a little closer to that!
When we hear someone crying something often happens to us inside: our heart might begin to race, we might begin to feel like we want to cry, we might suddenly feel like we have a problem to solve, etc. I'm sure it is a little different for all of us. However, the bottom line is that it does something to us. It makes things feel unstable, even if just for a few seconds.
When our children were babies we were all taught to respond pretty quickly to their cries, at least of course until we had a better sense of their cries. Some of us are better at this part than others and some baby's cries aren't always all that different from one need to the other, even though the books always say they will be! At any rate, we all began our parenting lives by responding to the "cry".
I think in many homes the response to the cries continues to be about the same. We answer it in hopes to fix it and selfishly at times, simply to make that feeling we have inside go back to how it was feeling before the crying started.
A few years ago I was talking with the director at my son's school about his tears at the beginning of his school day and often at the beginning of anything new. He was 3 and being away from me was somewhat new for him. The director assured me that he was doing great at school and would sometimes let out a big sigh after he would cry. It was almost like he was saying, "OK, now that I have that done with, I can move on." The director brought up a great point that he wasn't necessarily sad about going to school or trying other new things, he simply felt some anxiety and crying was his release of this.
I thought this was brilliant and I have really watched closely with other children in other situations when they cry to see if this might be true for them as well. The more I observed, the more I saw that this was true and all of us adults were misreading it all along. We were trying to help the crying child by comforting him or her. I have never been a teacher to try to rescue children from their feelings. I have always realized that we all deserve to feel our feelings, but this perspective from my son's teacher was still incredibly enlightening.
Young children do not always have the words to express their feelings. And even when they have the words they may not have the wisdom to be able to express that that is what they are feeling. I think a lot of times when children feel anxiety, sadness, and even anger it is very confusing to them, especially when it is coupled with excitement.
I am thinking of a child getting on the bus the first few weeks of school for kindergarten. This is something this child has looked forward to for a couple years. She is excited and really likes school, yet she does feel some anxiety because it is away from home and mom. These feelings together can be very confusing to a child: Which way should she feel? Which one should she listen to more? The worried one or the excited one? A young child cannot usually put all this into words. It comes out in tears. It's her way of releasing these feelings so she can move forward with her day. As a parent watching this it can be hard to not try to "fix" it; however, there really isn't anything to fix.
I am not of course recommending that we ignore crying. We need to be in tune to our children by spending time with them, observing them, etc. We need to know what is happening in their lives so we can help identify their feelings. We can help them put words to these emotions and let them know it is OK to cry sometimes. Many of us could vouch for how good a cry can feel every once in a while. So, continue to be there for your own children and the children you work with, but try to remember that crying may serve many purposes. After all we strive to understand our children the best we can and this bit of insight brings us just a little closer to that!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Holding it Together
My 6 year old has had a great week at school. He has had so many wonderful things to say about everything. However, after he's been home for not even 30 minutes, he just falls apart. This has been coming out in a variety of ways: crying, yelling, arguing, and even hitting. My first inclination is to wonder if this is happening at school, but I've been teaching long enough to know that it is most likely not. Children save these outbursts for those they trust and know will love them unconditionally (their parents!).
These first few weeks of school are challenging for families and teachers. Of course there is much excitement for the newness of it all, but our children are working hard everyday when they are away from us. They're working hard learning the routine and schedule, getting acquainted with old and new classmates, getting to know their teachers, and simply readjusting to more time away from home. One of the biggest things that they are doing is trying to hold it together.
Have you ever picked your child up from preschool or day care and they cried almost instantly when they saw you? You question if they have been like this all day, but the teacher assures you their day was great. Their day was great! However, when they fell earlier they wanted to cry, but held it in because they really wanted to keep playing with the other kids. When they started to miss you, they worked really hard to think of other things so they wouldn't cry. They had much success with that, but it has to be a lot of work to do that. I am sure we can all relate to some extent. Imagine trying to get through your work day when you are worried about something, but really need to focus on work. It often isn't until you see someone you really trust and care about that you let down your true feelings.
Maybe if we all would let our feelings out as we feel them we might not have such a struggle trying to get through our days. It's possible though that we may not simply get through half the things we need to if we let ourselves do this. I do think it is natural to want to learn when to pull it together and when to let it out. Our children are learning this as they go as well....whether it's easy on them or not.
As hard as it is to find patience in these times with our kids, I am trying really hard to keep it in perspective. It will get better (3 weeks usually for a transition like this). I know what my son needs from me more than anything is to be patient, loving, and understanding in this time. I think it's important to think back to how it felt to be a kid and how these first few weeks felt to us when we were working so hard to hold it together. We'll all survive and get through this and live it all over again next fall!
These first few weeks of school are challenging for families and teachers. Of course there is much excitement for the newness of it all, but our children are working hard everyday when they are away from us. They're working hard learning the routine and schedule, getting acquainted with old and new classmates, getting to know their teachers, and simply readjusting to more time away from home. One of the biggest things that they are doing is trying to hold it together.
Have you ever picked your child up from preschool or day care and they cried almost instantly when they saw you? You question if they have been like this all day, but the teacher assures you their day was great. Their day was great! However, when they fell earlier they wanted to cry, but held it in because they really wanted to keep playing with the other kids. When they started to miss you, they worked really hard to think of other things so they wouldn't cry. They had much success with that, but it has to be a lot of work to do that. I am sure we can all relate to some extent. Imagine trying to get through your work day when you are worried about something, but really need to focus on work. It often isn't until you see someone you really trust and care about that you let down your true feelings.
Maybe if we all would let our feelings out as we feel them we might not have such a struggle trying to get through our days. It's possible though that we may not simply get through half the things we need to if we let ourselves do this. I do think it is natural to want to learn when to pull it together and when to let it out. Our children are learning this as they go as well....whether it's easy on them or not.
As hard as it is to find patience in these times with our kids, I am trying really hard to keep it in perspective. It will get better (3 weeks usually for a transition like this). I know what my son needs from me more than anything is to be patient, loving, and understanding in this time. I think it's important to think back to how it felt to be a kid and how these first few weeks felt to us when we were working so hard to hold it together. We'll all survive and get through this and live it all over again next fall!
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