One Year Ago

It was one year ago that my children got on the school bus for their first day of 1st and 3rd grade and I headed into the house to start my own new adventure.  I had been anxiously awaiting that day for months - not because I wanted the children back at school, but because I was ready to take a leap I always wondered if I would dare take.

I sat down at my computer and simply started to write.  I had a very detailed outline and felt confident with the material I was taking from my mind, my notes, my education, and my experiences.  However, I wasn't as confident with the actual act of putting it all into words - not only for the obvious readers, but also for those that perhaps are less likely to frequent the parenting book section at the book store.  I wanted to create a tool for all parents.  Yes, a daunting task indeed.

It was only May 2011 that I had decided to take this adventure on.  I would have loved to begin writing immediately, but I knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop.  Between my summer schedule at the farm, my consulting work, and my time with my family, I knew I didn't have the time to dedicate to the project until fall.  I decided there was no time better than that first day the kids were back at school.

Here I sit one year later with my printer's proof of my book right next to me.  I picked it up from the publisher on Friday and only have it until this afternoon when I have to return it.  I keep looking at it, touching it, paging through it, and simply holding it.  I don't want to give it back.  Luckily, I know it will only be a matter of weeks before I am able to hold the real thing.

There have been times throughout this journey that I considered giving up.  It hasn't been an easy task to take this on.  I worried about my family as I have been wrapped up in this project this whole year.  I have been more distracted while I've been parenting than I ever had been before.  This was hard for me, but even harder for me to admit to myself and to others.  Knowing there was an end in sight helped.  Really, though, what got our family through this was the fact that we have a very well working compass that we have spent years creating together.  This is something I hope for all families and essentially what kept me going on this project. Our family is not only hanging in there, but in the midst of my distractions we were actually still able to thrive.  That, in and of itself, feels like a big feat.

Despite my doubts throughout this process and the stamina it took to complete it, I am so thankful I kept going.  There were so many people - friends and family - that kept me feeling positive, offering words of encouragement when I needed it most.  I will forever be grateful for their support.

One year ago I took a leap and as I look down at the printer's proof of my book today I can say wholeheartedly that I believe in this project 100%.  I am confident it will have a positive impact on children and families.  Honestly though, even if I hear from only one parent that it made a difference for their family, I will consider it a success.  So, today I will celebrate with my family - that we got through this year and that they supported me while I was able to fulfill a dream.  I will also take a moment to celebrate on my own, thanking the powers that be for carrying me through this project when I wasn't sure if I would be able to see it through.

The Children's Farm School

I’ve had the pleasure of working at The Children’s Farm for most of my professional career.  In fact, I even attended The Children’s Farm as a child.  I lived down the street from the school all of my life.  When I was thirteen years old I was interested in having a summer job.  I enjoyed children a great deal, so I contacted Nancy Jones at The Children’s Farm to see about a job.  The rest is history really.  It was immediate for me.  I just knew I was meant to teach.  I felt so at home in this environment. More importantly, I saw how at home children were in this environment.  They learned so naturally there. 

I’ve been speaking in the past tense, but the reality is I still choose to work at The Children’s Farm and I still see how much children learn in that environment.  It actually seems even more important of a program now than it was even 10-20 years ago. 

Many children spend numerous hours per week connected to media and less time spent outdoors interacting with the natural world.  Children have started to feel more at home when indoors sitting on the couch watching TV rather than outside playing.  It’s so sad.  Children need programs like The Children’s Farm.

Many children are also very removed from where their food supply comes from.  They may go to the grocery store with their parents, but this doesn’t really teach where food comes from unless there are discussions surrounding it.  At The Children’s Farm the children are able to plant a garden, tend to the garden, and harvest vegetables from the garden.  They see directly where food comes from, which in turn gets them excited about cooking with and eating the food. 

Most American families are very busy.  Whether it’s because both parents are working or simply the busyness of our society, we’re all busy.  What happens when families are busy is that parents tend to do more for their children.  As they are rushed to get out the door, mom may zip the four year olds jacket even though he is more than capable of doing this himself.  Dad may carry his two year old to the car because it’s so much faster than having her walk.  I’ve been guilty of these things before too of course, but when it becomes the norm rather than the exception, it’s a problem.  Children begin to learn that they can’t do things on their own when we do things for them.  The four year old doesn’t even try to zip his coat on his own anymore and the two year old wants to be carried rather than walk most of the time.  They begin to feel incapable which directly impacts their confidence in negative ways.   

So, how does this relate to The Children’s Farm?  The majority of parents would say their child loves the farm because of the animals.

     

“Although this is a wonderful aspect of the school, and one that sets it apart from other summer enrichment opportunities, the animals aren’t the real reason why children want to come back summer after summer. The secret is that they want to come back because of how they feel when they’re there. They love coming to the farm because . . .

·       Someone thinks enough of them to ask them to carry water over to the sheep. 

·      They get to see that they’re strong enough to carry a bale of hay, even if it’s only for a couple feet. 

·      They pull weeds from their garden and get to see that their plants grow better without the weeds surrounding them. 

·      They enjoy helping other children move the goats out of the pen so everyone can pet them easier when they’re tied out on ropes.

Participating in these types of activities is very empowering to children. It’s these feelings of the right kind of power (independence) that lead to genuine feelings of happiness and confidence.”

      – Excerpt from Your Family Compass

I understand that not every child will be able to experience a program like The Children’s Farm.  However, I aim to help professionals who work with children and parents of children birth through the early teen years see how they can create an environment that empowers children.  This is something I’m very passionate about and if you’ve attended one of my workshops, heard me speak, consulted with me, or read anything I have written, this is a theme that carries through. 

This week, think about one way your child could feel empowered at home.  Perhaps you could teach your child how to bake something or she could help you move mulch for your gardens or he can carry his dishes to the sink and wash them by himself.  These are just a few ideas.  I definitely share many more ideas in my new book, Your Family Compass.

I’d love to hear some more ideas that you have found to be helpful in creating the right kind of power in your children at home or in the organization you work in with children.  Please share these ideas here as this can be such a great way for others to gain new ideas as well.  Thank you!

The Constant Pull

The constant pull – this is what I’ve been wrestling with lately.  Who am I kidding?  I wrestle with this all of the time.  Perhaps it’s simply weighing on me more after such a busy year with my work. 

My husband and I are planners.  Before we had kids we had everything figured out.  He was going to continue on with his career and I was going to stay home with the kids and continue with my career when we both felt our family was ready for that.  We never really put a timeline on it; however, in my mind I always assumed middle of elementary school and even then, only part time.  We purchased a modest home based on only my husband’s salary so work for me wasn’t a must.

The months leading up to my first child’s birth I often rationalized my decision to stay home with the fact that paying for child care while working as an early childhood teacher would just not pay off financially.  The truth was I simply wanted to be home with my son.  I wanted to be there for his first words, steps, foods, etc.  Many people warned me that I would need something – something other than my children to keep me engaged during the day.  I didn’t believe them.

The first months home with my son were extremely lonely.  My son cried often and I often felt that someone else would probably be doing a better job with him.  Surely someone else could get him to stop crying.  I often thought that if I went back to work his childcare would likely get him on the schedule I was failing to get him on.  I figured he would sleep for them.  (More on my experience with my son as a baby in Your Family Compass, chapter titled "Who Is This Child?).  Despite these thoughts, I couldn’t imagine leaving him.

When my son was five months old I did start working again as the Assistant Director at a preschool all of 15 hours a month (yes, MONTH!).  For most of these 15 hours I could actually bring my son with me on my back.  Really, could a job get any better than that?!  Each year since I’ve worked a little more beyond caring for my children.  Some years it was simply caring for other children in my home, teaching a parent child class one day per week and other years it was more.  This past winter and spring it was certainly more than full time.  I’ve experienced it all it seems.  I surprised myself that I needed this work beyond my children.  Yes, I NEEDED it.  I loved my time with my children, but I felt this pull for more.  I haven’t always been sure where this pull was coming from, but I can’t stop it.  It continues to this day. 

So, here I am currently working almost full time between my consulting work and my time at The Children’s Farm School.  I did not plan for it to ever be this much, yet it seems I can’t stop.  I am certainly conscious of what I am choosing to do for work and wouldn’t be doing just any kind of work. 

Despite how much I’ve worked over the years, my time away from my kids is still not natural to me.  I still miss them and wish I was with them too. Yet, I can’t imagine my life without my work.  It's not about the money – it never has been for me.  It’s the interactions with children and families.  Seeing a child’s face light up when he accomplishes something for the first time or hearing a parent’s story of a positive change they were able to make to better their family – I can’t imagine my life without these moments. 

Sometimes I wonder if this pull that I wrestle with is worth it.  Should I listen to this more and perhaps work less?  Life is about balance and I certainly have not perfected that.  I keep trying though and each year I tweak things a little to try to find that balance more.  Our family discusses this as well (more on family meetings in Your Family Compass, chapter titled Discussions with Children).  We discuss how everyone is taking in my schedule and what we think could go differently.  Surprisingly my kids seem to get it.  They know they’re the only kids that get to call me mom and they love when we’re all home as a family, yet they do get it.  They get that I’m here for more people than just them.  Still, it’s a constant pull for me. 

I’m guessing I’m not alone with these feelings with other working moms.  I respect a parent’s choice to work or not to work beyond caring for his or her own children.  There are certainly challenges with both.  These decisions are very personal. 

So, what have I done about this constant pull?  I think just recently I’ve finally accepted that it will remain.  I will continue to seek a balance between work and my children and the rest of my life (oh yes, I do have friends and a husband too!).  Our family will continue to discuss how our work schedules our impacting our family – positive and negative and make adjustments accordingly. 

The reality is this call to do this work with children and families is too loud to ignore.  I know this, accept this, am grateful for this, and hope it’s a lesson for my children more than something they wish didn’t exist. 

Getting Back At It!

Here we are, less than a month away from the start of school.  Some parents are excited to have their kids back into a routine while others are anxious about getting back at it again: the stress of homework, getting up earlier, etc. 

Whether you're excited for the transition or not, it's coming.  It's not always easy to be proactive in life and in parenting; however, it can save a lot of time and energy in the long run. 

Spend time in the next month planning as a family how your school year will look.  Set goals as a family that you can all be helping each other stay on track with.  Discuss the following questions together:

• How many nights a week do you hope to have family meals together?
• If your struggling to find time for family dinners together, are there any mornings that you can eat together?
• How will you handle the nights where your family has numerous activities?
• When should homework get done: in the morning before school, right after school, or in the evening?
• What will be the after school routine?
• What will be the morning routine?
• What time will bedtime be at?

When you're family has had time to think about and process these questions you will all be more prepared for the transition.  These discussions are worth the extra time and energy as they provide your family with a sense of balance and routine knowing what's to come.  Revisit these questions after a couple of weeks after school has started to see if they need to be revised and then again after a month or so.  Continue to tweak and alter as you see fit. 

If you would like guidance on how to lead family meetings, please contact Jenny to set a session for your family.  

For many children (and their parents!) homework can be a stressful  aspect of school.  Unfortunately more and more schools are dishing out far more homework than children should have for their ages.  Part of this is the pressure teachers feel to have all of their students performing to the standards.  When the school year begins be sure to ask your child's teachers how much homework your child should be expecting each day so you can help your child prepare for this mentally.  If you feel the homework is more "busywork" rather than productive be sure to discuss this your child's teachers as well.

If your child is likely to become stressed and overwhelmed by homework, use this month to discuss and teach your child strategies to defuse this stress.  Practicing these skills when the child is not right in the moment will be more productive than trying to teach her these in the moment.  Discuss the following with your child:

• When do you think is the best time of day for you to do your homework?
• When you feel overwhelmed with your homework, what could you do to help with these feelings: take deep breaths, take a break, focus on only one problem at a time, ask for help, etc.?
• What can you do if you're not able to solve a problem: ask for help from parent, call a friend to see if they can explain how to do it, or circle it and ask the teacher about it in the morning at school?

As your child gets into the school year more and still seems to be struggling with anxiety and stress around homework, discuss this issue with your child's teacher.  The school's social workers and school psychologists can also be great resources as well to your child and your family.  Hopefully a plan can be created to help your child feel successful.

As you move through this last month before the kids head back to school, hang in there.  Whether you're excited for the kids to be back at school or anxious for the new start, the month will go fast and soon enough we will all be getting back at it!

Observations: The Game of Life

My daughter received the game of Life for her 7th birthday a couple weeks ago. This was a favorite of mine as a child, so I was excited to not only have her play it, but for me to play it with her.

What I guess I didn't remember was that the person who wins is the one who has the most money. Perhaps as a child I just didn't get into that part, but my adult mind was surprised by this. I am guessing it would be far too difficult to create a game that really looked at all aspects of life at the end of the game to account for happiness, fulfillment, etc.

At any rate, I have enjoyed playing this the past week with my children and have gained some insight into how they view things. At first when we played and it was time to choose your career we decided you could pick between two cards rather than just simply pulling one out of a pile. My 8 year old son picked TEACHER and DOCTOR. If you haven't played the game in a while the career cards say what the pay is and what you might have to pay in taxes (if you land on the tax spot). At any rate, my son looked at the two cards and was astounded by the difference in salaries for a teacher and a doctor. He contemplated for quite a while about this and even said, "I really think a teacher would be the better job between the two, but look at how much money I could make if I become a doctor?!" Oh, these difficult decisions have begun already!

To be honest, I was pretty glad to hear that he felt like a teacher was a better job than a doctor. Not that I think that isn't a good job, but rather I take it that he sees me enjoying my job as a teacher and that he sees his teachers enjoying their jobs.

Despite these thoughts of feeling like a teacher would be a better job he still chose to be a doctor. He was happy to make some good money and I believe he did win the game in the end. It will be interesting to see what he would choose next time.

The next time I played was just against my daughter. At this point we had actually read the directions and saw that we really weren't supposed to have a choice between careers beyond choosing from the post college careers or the without college careers. My daughter drew the TEACHER card. She was excited about this. I drew the ACCOUNTANT card. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but I was not thrilled with this choice at all. I am not a numbers gal and would rather do almost anything than deal with finances.

Throughout the game my daughter kept acquiring more and more children through births and adoption. I, on the other hand, had none. I was visibly kind of sad about this. I think it's important for me to acknowledge that yes, I do get a little too into these games I play with my kids. My daughter was losing money left and right since she had a carload of children. I on the other hand kept gaining more and more money. Apparently accountants can do pretty well financially!

At the end of the game I was a multimillionaire and my daughter had a little money left, but according to the game rules, I won. My daughter looked at me and noticed I was not ecstatic. To be honest, I typically am when I win a game, but not this time. She looked at my empty car and looked at her very full car and said, "I'm sorry to say this mom, but I think I had the better life." I was already thinking this, but for her to say it made me feel like we're somewhat on the right track with her.

It was pretty neat for her to look at what she had gained "over the years" in her game of Life and really, what I had gained was simply only money. My daughter was especially thrilled that she had had a chance to adopt a pet from the Humane Society during her "lifetime". In her 7 year old mind this tops of the list of things to do in life. I hope this doesn't change in her...at least not too much and not anytime soon.

I am excited to keep playing this game with my kids to hear their insight about "life" and see how their decisions alter throughout the years as they play the board game. The reality is that all of us would feel differently about what we would consider to be a "good life". No life is perfect, of course and money can certainly make things easier in life, but it isn't a replacement for everything else we could gain along the way.

How do I Know if I Need Help with my Kids?

I think as parents it's sometimes hard to know when it's time to seek out help with our kids. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones dealing with some of the issues we deal with and other times we feel like everyone must be dealing with these same things.

The reason I began offering Personalized Parenting Sessions is because I had been in that situation numerous times with my own child. I found myself wondering if his behaviors were normal or if perhaps there might be more going on. I didn't think we needed a therapist at the time, but I felt like we needed something. Honestly, at the time I wasn't sure what that should be, but I felt like there had to be something out there that could help us.

It wasn't until a couple years later when I was looking back on those times that it became clearer what we needed. I needed support in knowing that we weren't alone and that other people do experience these intense behaviors/ emotions with their children too and I needed information on how to help my son manage these intense emotions that he was having.

You might be thinking, "Doesn't she have a background in Child Psychology? Why did she need help?" Good question and one I asked myself often during that time. Unfortunately I think it made me feel like a failure for my son. I thought I was supposed to know this stuff. I had taught plenty of children with similar temperaments before and that always went well, or at least I always met the challenge. However, our own children show us sides of them that they show no others! At any rate, I honestly think I was too close to the situation to step back to assess what needed to be done. I would have greatly benefited from having a Parenting Adviser with a background in Child Psychology and teaching to come in to examine the problem together. Essentially, I needed me, but I wasn't me yet!

The following are a list of situations that might constitute seeking out a Personalized Parenting Session with me:

• Are you struggling to understand your child emotionally or socially?

• Are you having problems with this child at home, but they are not having problems at school?

• Are you having problems with this child at home AND they are having problems at school?

• Do you feel like your family life is chaotic and you're trying to find ways for it to feel less so?

• Has your child been diagnosed with a behavioral disorder and needs extra support beyond the school district services to navigate how life could go smoother at home with the child?

• Is your child likely NOT a candidate for a diagnosis, but you still feel you need support with some of the behaviors you deal with everyday at home with the child?

• Are you struggling to set limits for your child?

• Do you feel frustrated with your child more often than not?

There is another list of reasons why parents may contact me on my website.

Often times if a parent is questioning if there might be a possibility of a diagnosable behavioral disorder or attention disorder, eliminating some variables first will be very helpful in the diagnostic process. I can help with this process.

If the above information rings true to how you have been feeling or is what you have been looking for, please contact me and we can schedule a session. If you love beyond a 60 mile radius of Lake Elmo, MN we can schedule a phone session rather than me coming out to your home.

It took years for me to figure out what we needed to do to help my son feel success and to help our family run as smoothly as I knew it was capable of. You don't need to take years. I have enjoyed helping families assess their situations and help them find ways for their child to feel more successful. When a child is constantly frustrated (and we are in turn constantly frustrated with them) they are not feeling successful at all.

My son is now thriving. He still has the intensity that caused us so much stress when he was little, but he has now learned ways to use this intensity in positive ways.

My goal is that all parents can know that their children are thriving and that all parents feel a sense of enjoyment in this parenting journey. You will definitely feel closer to this after a Personalized Parenting Session!

Time Outs

I wanted to follow up about a question on the "Mom Panel" today on Twin Cities Live. The question was about time outs.

Our hope when we put a child in a time out is that she will then learn that she should not have been doing the behavior right before the time out. We are led to believe that the child will actually be thinking about their actions during this time out. However, the reality is the child spends the time being angry with the situation (or trying to get out of the time out) and does not actually think about it. Unfortunately this takes away the opportunity for learning. It's not really teaching long term learning as to why the child should discontinue the behavior that she was doing to begin with.

Take time to think about what you want the child to learn in these moments and work back from there. It might be as simple as taking some time to help the child calm down, with a hug or a hold. It might mean the child needs to move on to another activity or environment, "I can tell it's hard for you to play with Jimmy right now. That tells me it's time for us to go home now."

There are many other ways I can help families find alternatives to time outs to help your child learn from their actions that need to be altered and to help you keep the connection between you and your child at the same time. I recently posted my fall schedule of classes. The Reflective Child Guidance class discusses many of these alternatives.